I keep lying to myself and saying this doesn’t hurt.I justify consistently seeing sunrise after sunrise with being addicted to Netflix and having caffeine too late in the day. I tell people around me I like sleeping until late afternoon, that I’m not a morning person. I say that I’m not grieving for the loss of him but for the time I lost investing. I check my phone every two minutes because sometimes it randomly “goes on silent by itself.” These are the lies I tell myself to get through the day. One day at a time, one lie at a time. I can’t just fake it until I make it I need to BE it, and I need to be it now. Because without you I’m nothing but a sad, lonely, bedridden, weak, pathetic woman who can’t let go of a man who never fully loved her and I can’t accept that.